You know what I'm getting at...right? "How are you?"
We are so blessed to have so many people following our story and walking with us. People that genuinely care and support us every step of the way. I'm so grateful for that. I think most times, people really do want to know how we are. Except it always seems to be asked with such caution. Maybe that's because I've been an emotional mess on and off again for 3.5 years! Or because maybe people understand that the waiting is hard. A lot of people say, "That must be really hard; just sitting and waiting on a phone call." And I really thought it would be.
But I'm totally ok. It feels so good to be able to say that!!
First off, life has been incredibly busy since September. Like probably the busiest I've ever been in my life. While I have been ready to slow down, and thankfully it is, I haven't had much time to even think about anything else besides family, work, friends, church responsibilities, etc. It has kept my mind off of the silence from our agency.
Secondly, this is a big one...I FINALLY laid it at God's feet. For real. To make a long story short, I attended a Christian women's photography retreat/conference in October. It was life changing. You can read more about it on my MLP blog. One night during worship, we we're singing "Oceans" by Hillsong (my new favorite song, you have to listen!) I had heard it before, but never listened very close. As we were singing...there it was. A line in the song that hit me like a ton of bricks.
Your grace abound in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now
*lightbulb moment* Why in the world would He bring me this far and then fail me?!?! I'm not sure why it took this long for that to click. I feel like such an idiot. For some reason, at that time and place, singing "You've never failed and You won't start now" was a pivotal moment. He isn't about to start failing now. He isn't going to abandon me. He isn't going to take back His promises. My heart was beating out of my chest as I smiled really big with tears rolling down my cheeks. I hope I never forget that moment. I let go...right then and there. I surrendered it at God's feet and left it there.
I learned a lot that week and came home different. I never realized how much of a grip our situation had on my life. I feel like I can breathe again. Like literally a load was lifted off my shoulders. Isn't that what God wants for us?! To just let it go and not carry it ourselves. I've never struggled so much with letting something go and trusting God. Deep down I wanted control because I didn't trust His timing or plan. But the peace that comes with fully trusting Him is indescribable!
A friend sent me a video link to a couple actually getting to meet their adopted son for the very first time. I was hesitant to watch. Sometimes I just have to decide what is healthy for me to view and what will make me emotional. I chose to watch it and oh my goodness! I SOBBED good tears through the whole thing! If you have 9 minutes, watch it:
Something the dad said was, "We prayed for a child, but in our prayers there wasn't a face and there wasn't a name. We just prayed for a child. Just asking God to give us a child. But it wasn't just a child that we were waiting for. It wasn't just a child that God intended to bring into our family. Those years of waiting weren't just because God decided he wanted us to wait an arbitrary number of years or go through an arbitrary experience. All those years, all the waiting, all the prayers were for him. For our son."
How beautiful! I was thankful for the reminder. Brett and I (and so many other people) are praying for our child. The one God has intended for our family. The one He will give us the privilege of raising. How beautiful!
So...I'm totally ok. I'm ok during this silence. I'm ok during this waiting period. Thank you for taking time to read my heart and thank you for joining us on this ride.
Hi Makenzie!This is Rita, I hope you remember me as one of the women in your small group at the Pursuit 31 Conference. Thank you so much for sharing this. What you wrote here did not surprise me because I had the impression from our talks and your calm & positive attitude that you were "totally ok" with where you are in your life, your infertility, and your journey to adopting your child. It's very possible you had had your aha moment before our first meeting but there was (to me at least) an obvious difference between how you were feeling about your family and adopting and other young women in our group (and many other young women who were at the conference and shared their infertility stories and were obviously in the middle of dealing with it). All of us shared in your excitement and joy as you talked about preparing for your family to grow through adoption.
ReplyDeleteI actually watched the adoption story you referenced, yesterday, and several of my young friends who are in the middle of adoption, including my son and his wife and you & your husband :), came immediately to mind. I'm so glad you saw it and heard the message that sweet family had to share. It's been my intent to write a little about my conference experience on the Pursuit 31 Facebook page but I have also been really busy and I don't have a blog. One of the things I wanted you and the other young women ( at the conference} who have been struggling with infertility and/or those in the midst of adoption, to know is that I have been praying for each of you since my return home. It's not always daily, but it is at least several times a week. Since my son and his wife are in the midst of adoption, I think of you often also and say a prayer when ever I do. I also have another son and daughter in law who have been struggling with infertility for several years so I also think of you and the other beautiful young women from the conference who are struggling and pray for all of you right along with them (you actually kind of get double the prayers ;)). I will continue to pray for you, your child, and your family. I have no doubt God has the perfect child to give to you in His perfect time. What a blessing a sweet child will receive in you as a momma :).