I'm Torn

Due to some changes among the agency we're using for the adoption, we are now a waiting family in their Nashville office and we have a new case worker. Although we haven't been able to meet her, she has been awesome at keeping in touch with us and encouraging us by email.

She recently sent out a message with a small devotional to some of the waiting families who have experienced infertility. As I read it, something sparked some feelings within me, which has then started a string of tears, emotions, and long talks. One paragraph started like this...

"Infertility can really take a toll on your life. It can consume every waking moment, every thought, every interaction. You may find that you are surviving trials that you never would have imagined you were strong enough to conquer."

What a way to summarize the past three years. It took a toll on my life. As much as I tried to not let it consume my every waking moment, thought, and interaction...it did. Unfortunately, I spent a lot of time in tears...in our bedroom floor, the bathroom at church, the back of the sanctuary at weddings as the pastor talked to my couples about the children they will eventually raise, in my car, at the dinner table, and at my desk when I was suppose to be working. It took a toll and I'm a different person for it. 

The thing is...I hope I'm a better person because of it. In the middle of the battle, you don't ever see how you'll be better by it. But when I stop and think about how much my faith has grown and what God has taught me through it all, I realize I've come really far. I have probably been pretty bad at being a wife, daughter, and friend but thankfully I have amazing people in my life who have put up with me! ;) 

While thinking about how much I've grown and how quickly everything has happened with the adoption process, a friend helped me realize that I probably haven't actually "grieved" about the fact that I will not be giving birth to my child (my first one at least). Just like you grieve over losing someone you love, I have realized that I need to grieve over my loss..the loss of conceiving, carrying, and birthing my child. I am a woman. That's what I was made to do. It's a major part of womanhood and as of right now, I have to accept that it's not happening for me and it may never happen. That's the hardest thing to let go of. As happy as I am to adopt and follow God's plan for our lives, I have lately struggled with letting go of having my own biological child. 

So, here I am. I'm torn. I am ECSTATIC to be adopting! We are learning so much about raising an adopted child and sharing it's story of adoption and unconditional love with him/her throughout life. We have incredible support in our lives and we know without a shadow of doubt this is what we're suppose to be doing. I can't wait to meet the baby, our baby, that God has for our family. But at the same time, I'm grieving a loss. I know God is the One who gives peace and He is faithful, so I am trusting He will help me let go and rest in Him. I'm smiling as I type that because it is TRUTH!

Our case worker ended her message by saying that she hopes we recognize the beauty that is our story. We haven't had an easy three years...it's definitely been full of heartache, pain, and sadness. But I'm confident that we have and will continue to experience redemption in this. His faithfulness and goodness is amazing!