It's just a little short of three years that we've been trying to conceive. I've always wanted to be a mother. Like most little girls, I took care of my baby dolls as if they were my "babies." I've grown up thinking about what kind of mom I would be...will I be a fun mom? A creative mom? A caring one? What will I try to instill in my children? What will I get to watch them grow up to be? Of course, at 23 and newly married, I wasn't ready for a baby yet. We knew we would wait a few years before expanding our family. As time passed, I grew more eager to begin trying. Once Brett and I finally thought it was time, I was so excited and nervous at the same time. I just didn't know what would lie ahead.
Now, almost three years later, we're still not parents. I had heard and read about women with infertility issues but I never dreamed it would be me. Everyone always seems to be so quiet about the topic, so as time went on I just felt so alone. Everyone kept saying those awful phrases that are complete TURTH, but just didn't help my emotional soul..."God has a plan," "It's all in His timing," "Just quit trying and then it will happen," I knew all of those things, but had a hard time believing them daily. I stood by and fully supported almost every close friend in my life get pregnant and become a mother. I was so happy for them (and still am!) but it seemed like with every birth I was reminded that I didn't have one in my arms and wasn't sure if I would. It hurt. I cried every month for at least 2 years when my period came or the test said negative. I've been through every emotion with God...confused, angry, disbelief, sadness, and dispair. It's been the darkest time of my life. I have (and still do sometimes) asked why God would not bless me with my own child when my heart desires it so much. It's not a bad or wrong thing to ask, right? I yearn to be a mother and love a child. I have thought silly thoughts like, "I've followed you since I was 11, I've been devoted to you, God!" or "I have promised you over and over to be a good, loving mother striving to teach my child about you and be an example for them."I have felt alone, abandoned, and forgotten.
After much thought and prayer, Brett and I finally started looking into adoption. We've always talked about adoption and it's something that I've been interested in since I was in 6th grade. We just never thought it would be the way we started our family. We began doing research and narrowed down some options. After a few months of talking, praying, researching, and requesting information from agencies...we went to our first informational meeting. Although it was just a meeting, I was so excited! It is the start of something new and fresh for the both of us. It's a new journey and it felt really good to take the first step!
Last Tuesday, we visited Bethany Christian Services in Nashville. We really enjoyed our time there and learned so much about the agency...things we really like! They are passionate about what they do and we can tell how much they care for the families and birth mothers they work with. They work hard to make sure the adoptive parents are on the same page through the process and force them to really evaluate their decisions. I appreciate that.
We are in the midst of filling out our application now with Bethany. There are some in-depth questions which will take some time to gather our answers. Our friends and families are so excited for us and it's great to have so much support! We know this won't be a short process and there will probably be some bumps in the road, but again, it's a new start. God has brought us here by His faithfulness and we've learned A LOT. My faith in the Lord has been through the wringer, but it is much stronger now. I have experienced His unconditional love, which I understand a bit more now...He loved me even when I questioned Him, was angry with Him, and even when I felt like giving up and walking away. He not only loved me, but He continued to walk with me... forgiving me, giving me restoration, and peace. Plus, our marriage has been made stronger and we've learned to communicate even better.
A verse I have kept close to heart for a long time is, "Be still in the presence of the Lord and wait patiently for Him to act." Psalm 37:7 Although I wasn't always great at this, I have found how He holds us close as He works in our lives, even if it's not the way we are hoping for.
I know God already knows my baby and He is in control of this ride we're on. I absolutely can not wait until the day I get to meet him/her and hold them in my arms. I pray that Brett and I can continue to be shaped and molded into great parents. One thing we know is, without a shadow of doubt, our baby will be LOVED. I am excited and nervous all over again...and I don't know what lies ahead...but I know whatever it is, it's going to be AMAZING.