How Are You?

I titled this blog post and wrote a sentence almost a month ago. Then I never got around to finishing it. I was ready to sit down and write about the common question that I'm hearing. The one that is said in the sympathetic tone with the facial expression of "I already know the answer."

You know what I'm getting at...right? "How are you?"

We are so blessed to have so many people following our story and walking with us. People that genuinely care and support us every step of the way. I'm so grateful for that. I think most times, people really do want to know how we are. Except it always seems to be asked with such caution. Maybe that's because I've been an emotional mess on and off again for 3.5 years! Or because maybe people understand that the waiting is hard. A lot of people say, "That must be really hard; just sitting and waiting on a phone call." And I really thought it would be.

But I'm totally ok. It feels so good to be able to say that!!

First off, life has been incredibly busy since September. Like probably the busiest I've ever been in my life. While I have been ready to slow down, and thankfully it is, I haven't had much time to even think about anything else besides family, work, friends, church responsibilities, etc. It has kept my mind off of the silence from our agency.

Secondly, this is a big one...I FINALLY laid it at God's feet. For real. To make a long story short, I attended a Christian women's photography retreat/conference in October. It was life changing. You can read more about it on my MLP blog. One night during worship, we we're singing "Oceans" by Hillsong (my new favorite song, you have to listen!) I had heard it before, but never listened very close. As we were singing...there it was. A line in the song that hit me like a ton of bricks.

Your grace abound in deepest waters

Your sovereign hand will be my guide

Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me

You've never failed and You won't start now

*lightbulb moment* Why in the world would He bring me this far and then fail me?!?! I'm not sure why it took this long for that to click. I feel like such an idiot. For some reason, at that time and place, singing "You've never failed and You won't start now" was a pivotal moment. He isn't about to start failing now. He isn't going to abandon me. He isn't going to take back His promises. My heart was beating out of my chest as I smiled really big with tears rolling down my cheeks. I hope I never forget that moment. I let go...right then and there. I surrendered it at God's feet and left it there. 

I learned a lot that week and came home different. I never realized how much of a grip our situation had on my life. I feel like I can breathe again. Like literally a load was lifted off my shoulders. Isn't that what God wants for us?! To just let it go and not carry it ourselves. I've never struggled so much with letting something go and trusting God. Deep down I wanted control because I didn't trust His timing or plan. But the peace that comes with fully trusting Him is indescribable! 

A friend sent me a video link to a couple actually getting to meet their adopted son for the very first time. I was hesitant to watch. Sometimes I just have to decide what is healthy for me to view and what will make me emotional. I chose to watch it and oh my goodness! I SOBBED good tears through the whole thing! If you have 9 minutes, watch it:

http://www.faithit.com/couple-sees-son-first-time-reaction-is-beautiful/

Something the dad said was, "We prayed for a child, but in our prayers there wasn't a face and there wasn't a name. We just prayed for a child. Just asking God to give us a child. But it wasn't just a child that we were waiting for. It wasn't just a child that God intended to bring into our family. Those years of waiting weren't just because God decided he wanted us to wait an arbitrary number of years or go through an arbitrary experience. All those years, all the waiting, all the prayers were for him. For our son."

How beautiful! I was thankful for the reminder. Brett and I (and so many other people) are praying for our child. The one God has intended for our family. The one He will give us the privilege of raising. How beautiful!

So...I'm totally ok. I'm ok during this silence. I'm ok during this waiting period. Thank you for taking time to read my heart and thank you for joining us on this ride. 

I'm Torn

Due to some changes among the agency we're using for the adoption, we are now a waiting family in their Nashville office and we have a new case worker. Although we haven't been able to meet her, she has been awesome at keeping in touch with us and encouraging us by email.

She recently sent out a message with a small devotional to some of the waiting families who have experienced infertility. As I read it, something sparked some feelings within me, which has then started a string of tears, emotions, and long talks. One paragraph started like this...

"Infertility can really take a toll on your life. It can consume every waking moment, every thought, every interaction. You may find that you are surviving trials that you never would have imagined you were strong enough to conquer."

What a way to summarize the past three years. It took a toll on my life. As much as I tried to not let it consume my every waking moment, thought, and interaction...it did. Unfortunately, I spent a lot of time in tears...in our bedroom floor, the bathroom at church, the back of the sanctuary at weddings as the pastor talked to my couples about the children they will eventually raise, in my car, at the dinner table, and at my desk when I was suppose to be working. It took a toll and I'm a different person for it. 

The thing is...I hope I'm a better person because of it. In the middle of the battle, you don't ever see how you'll be better by it. But when I stop and think about how much my faith has grown and what God has taught me through it all, I realize I've come really far. I have probably been pretty bad at being a wife, daughter, and friend but thankfully I have amazing people in my life who have put up with me! ;) 

While thinking about how much I've grown and how quickly everything has happened with the adoption process, a friend helped me realize that I probably haven't actually "grieved" about the fact that I will not be giving birth to my child (my first one at least). Just like you grieve over losing someone you love, I have realized that I need to grieve over my loss..the loss of conceiving, carrying, and birthing my child. I am a woman. That's what I was made to do. It's a major part of womanhood and as of right now, I have to accept that it's not happening for me and it may never happen. That's the hardest thing to let go of. As happy as I am to adopt and follow God's plan for our lives, I have lately struggled with letting go of having my own biological child. 

So, here I am. I'm torn. I am ECSTATIC to be adopting! We are learning so much about raising an adopted child and sharing it's story of adoption and unconditional love with him/her throughout life. We have incredible support in our lives and we know without a shadow of doubt this is what we're suppose to be doing. I can't wait to meet the baby, our baby, that God has for our family. But at the same time, I'm grieving a loss. I know God is the One who gives peace and He is faithful, so I am trusting He will help me let go and rest in Him. I'm smiling as I type that because it is TRUTH!

Our case worker ended her message by saying that she hopes we recognize the beauty that is our story. We haven't had an easy three years...it's definitely been full of heartache, pain, and sadness. But I'm confident that we have and will continue to experience redemption in this. His faithfulness and goodness is amazing! 

Waiting Time

Well...after all the paper work, home visits, interviews, video trainings, letters, recommendations, background checks, finger prints, praying, talking, laughing, and crying.....we are approved! As of last week, we officially became a "waiting family." Hooray!!!

This means we're in the pool to be chosen by a birthmother. We don't know how long the wait will be. It could be a few months, it could be a year...it could be more than a year. I don't look forward to the wait and I've never been good with patience, but I'm so thankful to be here where we are. And thankfully, I married the most patient person I've ever known ;)

We've had fun working on the nursery! I don't want to show you too many photos until I have the bedding and it's more complete, but here's a sneak peek!

Brett found me some scrap wood that he pieced together and I painted this for sweet baby. :)

Thanks to everyone who has been so supportive through this process thus far and for understanding when our lives have been crazy! Now it's just time to wait. Ugh, such a difficult thing! But while we wait, please join us in praying for a few things:

-Pray for the baby that will become ours and change our lives forever. God already knows our child and that is so incredible.

-Pray for the birth mother that will choose us. We are so thankful that she will be choosing life for her child and will be giving us the biggest blessing we may ever receive.

-Pray that something about us will touch her heart and she will choose us because she trusts we will be suitable parents for her baby.

-Pray for us as we prepare to become adoptive parents.

-Pray that God will continue to provide for us financially through this process.

So, here we go...We're just waiting. :)

We've been busy!

It's been a while since I've blogged...sorry about that! Things have been extremely busy! Since the last time I've blogged we have finished all three of our home study visits. That's right, folks! Within a few weeks our case worker visited our home twice and we traveled to Bowling Green once for individual interviews. It moved a lot quicker than we thought and everything went smoothly.

I've realized when talking with friends that I use too much adoption lingo and if you or a close friend haven't been through the process, then you don't understand what I'm talking about. Oops! I learned a lot of my lingo through Monica & Chandler on "Friends," which I expect you've seen...just probably not as much as I have ;)

Anyway...home study visits are very relaxed meetings with our case worker. Like I said, two of them were at our home. We cleaned, cleaned, and cleaned some more to have our house sparkly. I was a bit anxious at first but as soon as our case worker arrived we were reminded there was nothing to be nervous about. We feel so comfortable with him so it really helps the process! In between the two home visits we met in the Bowling Green office for individual interviews. Basically our case worker just got a lot of information from each of us about our past (everything leading up to marriage). We were very surprised and excited with how quickly this all took place.

Shortly after our third home visit, we left for Florida. It was a recent decision to get away and relax for a bit. As excited as we were about this part of the process moving quickly, it has all fallen in the middle of wedding season and a busy time for Brett at work. Life has just been incredibly busy. For as cheap as possible, we escaped to the beach. The two of us don't get to relax together very often so it came at a much needed time! I'm so thankful for that week. Brett and I laid on the beach and had plenty of time to talk, read, laugh, and dream about the future. Ahhh...doesn't that sound so nice?!? It went by too quickly!

Anyway, now we're waiting for our case worker to write up our home study. Once that is approved, we'll officially be in the waiting pool to be chosen by a birth mother. We don't know how long that wait will be...it could be a few months, it could be 1+ years. We are beginning to purchase furniture for the nursery since we won't know an exact time we will be chosen. Once a birth mother has picked us, things move pretty quickly so we want to have the nursery ready for the baby's arrival. I'm having fun with this...of course I've been dreaming of a nursery for 3 years now! It's exciting to finally be making a room in our home for a baby!

We bought some furniture at Ikea and thankfully it fit in our Escape!

In the mean time, we are finishing up some training videos and working on our profile book. This is the book the birth mother will look at to decide if we're the right family for her baby. No pressure, right?!? I've actually been sitting in front of my computer for 5 hours tonight trying to decide where to start. You would think this would be easy for a photographer!!

Well, that's where we are right now! It's been a whirlwind of events the past few months, but things will slow down soon and then we'll be in the silent waiting period. We are still in awe of the way God continues to confirm this is the right thing for us. We are still blown away by the support and excitement we have received by people...some we don't even know! God is so good. In the thick of my sadness and frustration I sometimes felt like things would never move forward. But God redeems and LOVES us. I've been excited to experience that in a new way.

Can't wait to tell you more as things progress!

Quick Update

We have been totally blown away by the excitement, support, prayers, and messages we have received from everyone! Seriously...sometimes I'm moved to tears by the overwhelming love we've been shown.     We've received cards, Facebook messages, and even a few baby gifts and I can't run into anyone we know without being congratulated! Actually, due to word of mouth, I even meet people we don't know who congratulate us! We've been able to hear about people's excitement and passion for adoption and even a few stories of other couple's infertility journeys. I even met an adoptive mother in the gym who shared her story with me! I've have always believed that God brings people along in your life that can walk with you through the season your in and I've found it to be true again. I'm thankful for such amazing people who are walking through this with us!

Anyway, I said this was a quick update, so I'll fill you in! All of our paper work has been turned in, our references have sent back their papers, and our record, background checks and fingerprints are complete. We're just waiting for our agency to process everything so we can move on to the home study visits. Of course, we're ready to get the ball rolling but we're trying to be patient! Brett is so much better at this than me!

Thanks for checking in and staying updated on our adoption journey. We still have a long way to go but we are so grateful for you and your encouragement!

PS--We did some photos with our friend, Dianne, last night! I made this for a few of them. Pics coming soon!

The Yard Sale

The words "yard sale" have been some popular ones around our house for the past few weeks. We decided awhile ago to have one as a fundraiser for our adoption. We needed to clean out our house and my parents DEFINITELY needed to clean out theirs, so we knew we could have a lot of stuff to sale. We told our friends we were planning it and before we knew it, they were dropping off car loads of items for us to include. By the beginning of last week, our garage looked like an episode of Hoarders!

We worked late every night to get things organized and priced. My mom spent a few days with us to help and my best friend, Jen, stopped by to bring me a coke and a helping hand. We planned to have the yard sale Friday and Saturday, but while we were working on everything Thursday, we had some shoppers. We actually made $350 before we even opened.

Friday morning came and we woke up super early to get prepared. We moved everything out to the yard and driveway.

We had a TON of stuff. We had a sign and a donation bucket stating that all the proceeds were going towards our adoption. Business was hopping and we were meeting people from all walks of life... and then the rain came! Brett, along with his dad and brother, started bringing in the tables while mom and I picked up all the extra stuff. Luckily, we had sold enough that we could rush it all into the garage and re-organize.

I felt like my spirits dropped in a hurry...the weather forecast called for rain for the next 36 hours. Brett and I tried to remain positive, but we just weren't sure how many people would come out. It wasn't just raining...it was POURING! All I could do was pray that God would still bring people our way and provide for us through this. Due to weddings, this was the only weekend I could do the sale at our house, so we were hoping for a successful one.

Even though it poured, even stormed a bit, people still made their way to our yard-turned-into-garage sale. Things were sold, junk disappeared slowly from the garage, friends stopped by, conversations were had, and by the end of Saturday we had earned over $1,000!!!! Wow! We were blown away. God is faithful and He definitely provided. What I love most is we were able to share our story and our heart for adoption with a few people. To me, that means more than the money. That's what it's all about.

-Makenzie

The Paper Work

I sat in Starbucks this morning with my mind going a millions miles a minute. "I can't believe we're doing this...I can't believe this is my life...I've dreamed of doing this since I was young but I can't believe I'm here right now." We met with our case worker for the first time today. While it sounds boring, because all we did was talk paperwork, I just can't stop smiling. This is real. We are really doing this. We're on our way to adopting a child!

Again, all we did today was get to know our case worker a bit and go over the thick stack of paper work we have to start. However, it's one step closer we are to becoming parents. I thought I may walk away feeling overwhelmed by everything we have to do...but I'm not. I'm ready. If you know me well, you know I'm a go-getter anyway. We have waited long enough and the time is here. So, let's get our paperwork started!


To Baby Shewcraft,
We're working for you. You just wait! You already have some pretty amazing people who are praying for you and giving generously so you can come home to us. You will be surrounded by LOVE, not only by Brett and I, but by your family and friends near and far. We pray for you everyday. I (your mommy) will try really, really hard to be patient as we wait for you...but you better believe we're gonna be thinking about you and filling out the paperwork as quickly as we can. I'm not sure what you look like or where you will come from, but I know that God has an amazing plan for you. For us. It may be a while from now until we meet, but we are anxiously awaiting the day. For now, we're praising God for you and for the life He will bless us with.
Love you,
Daddy & Mommy

Submit

About two weeks ago, on March 6th, we did it. We hit submit. We worked on our formal application and Statement of Faith for about a week. It was actually fun and challenging to think through our answers together. It made me stop and think about why I want to be a parent so badly. Through this long journey, I think I sometimes forgot why I wanted to be a parent because I was too consumed by the pain of why I wasn't one yet. Our Statement of Faith page had Brett and I break down our personal relationships with God, how we are learning and growing right now, and our Christian development plan for our future child. It was so surreal to sit down and write down the virtues and values that we plan to teach our child. Aside from praying and praying and praying, it's the closest we've gotten for actually planning for "our child."

Anyway, we finally completed the application process and when it time to turn it in, I became a ball of nerves. Funny how that happens! It hit me...we're actually doing this. We are one step closer to becoming parents...it feels so good. It feels surreal. It feels scary. It feels exciting! So, on March 6th, we did it. We held hands and hit submit.

Here We Go...

It's just a little short of three years that we've been trying to conceive. I've always wanted to be a mother. Like most little girls, I took care of my baby dolls as if they were my "babies." I've grown up thinking about what kind of mom I would be...will I be a fun mom? A creative mom? A caring one? What will I try to instill in my children? What will I get to watch them grow up to be? Of course, at 23 and newly married, I wasn't ready for a baby yet. We knew we would wait a few years before expanding our family. As time passed, I grew more eager to begin trying. Once Brett and I finally thought it was time, I was so excited and nervous at the same time. I just didn't know what would lie ahead.

Now, almost three years later, we're still not parents. I had heard and read about women with infertility issues but I never dreamed it would be me. Everyone always seems to be so quiet about the topic, so as time went on I just felt so alone. Everyone kept saying those awful phrases that are complete TURTH, but just didn't help my emotional soul..."God has a plan," "It's all in His timing," "Just quit trying and then it will happen," I knew all of those things, but had a hard time believing them daily. I stood by and fully supported almost every close friend in my life get pregnant and become a mother. I was so happy for them (and still am!) but it seemed like with every birth I was reminded that I didn't have one in my arms and wasn't sure if I would. It hurt. I cried every month for at least 2 years when my period came or the test said negative. I've been through every emotion with God...confused, angry, disbelief, sadness, and dispair. It's been the darkest time of my life. I have (and still do sometimes) asked why God would not bless me with my own child when my heart desires it so much. It's not a bad or wrong thing to ask, right? I yearn to be a mother and love a child. I have thought silly thoughts like, "I've followed you since I was 11, I've been devoted to you, God!" or "I have promised you over and over to be a good, loving mother striving to teach my child about you and be an example for them."I have felt alone, abandoned, and forgotten.

After much thought and prayer, Brett and I finally started looking into adoption. We've always talked about adoption and it's something that I've been interested in since I was in 6th grade. We just never thought it would be the way we started our family. We began doing research and narrowed down some options. After a few months of talking, praying, researching, and requesting information from agencies...we went to our first informational meeting. Although it was just a meeting, I was so excited! It is the start of something new and fresh for the both of us. It's a new journey and it felt really good to take the first step!

Last Tuesday, we visited Bethany Christian Services in Nashville. We really enjoyed our time there and learned so much about the agency...things we really like! They are passionate about what they do and we can tell how much they care for the families and birth mothers they work with. They work hard to make sure the adoptive parents are on the same page through the process and force them to really evaluate their decisions. I appreciate that.

We are in the midst of filling out our application now with Bethany. There are some in-depth questions which will take some time to gather our answers. Our friends and families are so excited for us and it's great to have so much support! We know this won't be a short process and there will probably be some bumps in the road, but again, it's a new start. God has brought us here by His faithfulness and we've learned A LOT. My faith in the Lord has been through the wringer, but it is much stronger now. I have experienced His unconditional love, which I understand a bit more now...He loved me even when I questioned Him, was angry with Him, and even when I felt like giving up and walking away. He not only loved me, but He continued to walk with me... forgiving me, giving me restoration, and peace. Plus, our marriage has been made stronger and we've learned to communicate even better.

A verse I have kept close to heart for a long time is, "Be still in the presence of the Lord and wait patiently for Him to act." Psalm 37:7 Although I wasn't always great at this, I have found how He holds us close as He works in our lives, even if it's not the way we are hoping for.

I know God already knows my baby and He is in control of this ride we're on. I absolutely can not wait until the day I get to meet him/her and hold them in my arms. I pray that Brett and I can continue to be shaped and molded into great parents. One thing we know is, without a shadow of doubt, our baby will be LOVED. I am excited and nervous all over again...and I don't know what lies ahead...but I know whatever it is, it's going to be AMAZING.

Welcome!

Thanks for stopping by our blog. We're so excited your here! We are Brett & Makenzie and this is the beginning of our adoption journey.

We'd love for you to get to know us, so I (Makenzie) will start with some introductions...

Brett and I met in college at Murray State and got to know one another through a lot of mutual friends. Before I knew it, he was my best friend and after almost a year of friendship we began dating in July 2005.

After I graduated college, went to Thailand, and lived in Louisville for two semesters, we got married on June 9, 2007. Happiest day of my life!!!

I started my photography business in 2008, we bought a house in 2009, and in 2010 we adopted the cutest puppy in the world...Raleigh.

Life is better with Brett (and Raleigh)! We love to travel, we enjoy eating out, we are DIY'ers, and we can't wait to be parents. We have amazing, supportive families and some of the best friends we could ever ask for. We're excited to start this journey of adoption and we ask that you come along with us on this ride.